Personal Development Training and Motivational Humor from the Motivational Smart Ass!

Sometimes I wonder why people do and say stupid things. Ok, I wonder about that quite often. I haven’t come up with an answer (yet), but I do have some ideas on how you can make sure you don’t do or say some of those stupid things yourself. It all starts with remembering to think and to not make assumptions…

This weekend I did something out of character and actually shaved, even though it was the weekend (yes, my laziness knows no bounds, especially when it comes to facial grooming). A few minutes after I finished, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and realized that I had missed a spot. No big deal, I just grabbed the razor fixed the situation (I also managed to avoid telling my friends, “Wow, I almost walked out the door with a patch of facial hair on my spot – that was a close shave! Ha! Ok, I’m glad I didn’t, since I hate puns. Puns are to jokes what Piels is to beer. Bad, tasteless, and only good when you have no other options and even less self-respect. But I digress…)

This led to one of those weird “high school flashback” moments where all of the sudden you remember a random conversation from 20 years ago. This particular moment took place in my senior year, when I was 17 and had been shaving for a couple of years (I probably started a year or two later than I should have. I spent a year or so with that weird “so thin it looks it was drawn on by pencil” moustaches that made me look like a bad guy from a bad 70’s action movie. People mocked me – oh how they mocked – but I refused to start shaving. I don’t really remember why; it probably had to do with buying in to the myth that shaving makes your hair grow faster. But I digress…).

One day I went to one of my classes and one the other students looks at me, pauses, then says, “You need to learn how to shave.”

I had no idea what he was talking about until he points out that I had missed a spot on my neck. Oh well, now I needed to spend the rest of the day with a mini patch of hair on my neck like a weird misplaced soul patch. Before soul patches were “cool.” Not that I think they’re cool now. Unless it’s the one worn by Geddy Lee, because everything he does is cool. But I digress…

What struck me at the time was the guy’s choice of words: “You need to learn how to shave.” What’s up with that?? That’s a straight up insult – saying I don’t know how to shave?? Of course I knew how to shave; I did so regularly and didn’t usually miss a spot.

My ego was offended that someone was questioning my face shaving proficiency. The logical side of my brain, however, was fascinated by the fact that someone would a) assume that just because I missed a spot one day that I “didn’t know how to shave,” and b) phrase their comments in an insulting way. Why would someone do that?

I’ll tell you why. Because we were in high school. And when we were in high school, we were stupid (in the same way that kids in high school now will look back on their high school days and say, “man, we were stupid.” In fact, if you don’t look back on your high school days and say, “man we were stupid,” then chances are that you haven’t learn or groan since then. In which case it’s not that your weren’t stupid, it’s that you were and still are and are just too stupid to realize it. But I digress…).

High school kids can say insensitive things. They can make logical jumps and false assumptions. That’s forgivable; they’re high school kids. The problem is when people become adults and still make these same stupid mistakes and assumptions. Sadly, based on my experience, this happens more often than it should.

Here are two things you can do to make sure you don’t fall into the “stupid insensitivity” trap yourself:

Pay Attention to How You Say Things

Face it: it’s not just what you say, it’s how you say it. Sometimes we feel we are “doing someone a favor” buy pointing out something wrong. For example, if someone has a piece of spinach in their teeth, they would probably prefer that you embarrass them a little and let them know, rather than ignore it and let them walk around all day looking like Popeye with a flossing problem.

However, you don’t have to say, “hey dumbass! learn how to eat properly and remove that disgusting bit of foliage from your chompers!” No, a simple, “you have something in your teeth,” will suffice.

Don’t hide behind the argument of, “if I am right, it shouldn’t matter how I say it.” That’s a dumb argument. It does matter, and you know it. Choose your words carefully.

Don’t Make Assumptions

If someone missed a spot shaving, it’s possible that they need to learn how to shave. It’s also possible they just happened to miss a spot. Or were distracted. or rushed. Or had bad lighting. Or the electric shaver ran out of battery. Or whatever. Don’t make an assumption.

There is a difference between observable behavior and underlying cause. The only thing you can ever be 100% sure is what you actually observe. No one can deny that I did, in fact, miss a spot shaving. However, unless you are only focusing on yourself (and even then you may be wrong), you can not really be sure why a person did something. If you make an assumptive jump (“you need to learn how to shave”) you will a) often be wrong b) look like a jackass and c) often make the situation worse with your jackasstic assumptions.

Look at an extreme example: Let’s say there is a woman in your office who happens to be cranky one day. There may be many reasons why she is, but if you decide to make an assumption and say, “Oh, you muct have PMS,” well then a ) you are probably wrong, b) you look like a jackass for making that assumption, and c) the situation will be far worse as she rips your head off for making such an insensitive assumption.

Don’t do it. Keep your focus on what you can observe, and let the assumptions go…

Thoughtless words and assumptions destroy communication and relationships. Remember the two tips above in your communications and you will avoid the common traps too many people fall into…

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Are you planning an event and looking for a great speaker to add humor and energy? Then visit Avish’s Motivational Humorist page now!
 

You suck!

Don’t be offended, we all suck in some way, in some places, at some time. Rather than being offended, storming off in a huff, or sticking your head in the sand, try taking a deeper look at some of those weak areas in your life and figure out how you can improve them.

The operative word in self-improvement is self. You don’t need always need to read the next motivational best seller, attend a consciousness raising mini-camp, or walk across a mile of burning hot coals. Sometimes all you need is a little introspection.

Take a look at the areas in your life where things are not as good as you want them to (i.e. “what sucks?”) and ask yourself the following questions. The answers may be all you need to get moving…

(Note: these questions can be applied to your business or to your personal life. Try them with both.)

Why Do You Suck?

Don’t beat yourself up in the way you answer this question (“I suck because I am the world’s most awful person!”) Be realistic and honest. Do you suck because you are lazy? Because you are shy? Because there is some knowledge you are missing?

The nice thing about this question is that it forces you to look at yourself. You can’t say, “oh, I’m unsuccessful because the market crashed.” Nope, that’s not why you suck.

Interestingly, your knee jerk answer may be more important than the “truth.” If you do find yourself saying, “I suck because I am stupid,” and then later acknowledge that’s not true, your initial response is still indicative of some kind of an internal issue. going on. I’m not therapist (Smart Ass Psychiatry? I think not…) but I would say that you may want to get some help with that.

Take a look at your answer(s) to this question, and then create a plan to eliminate those limitations (take a class, change your routine, talk to someone, etc.)

Where Do You Suck?

No one sucks universally. We all have some environments where we do quite well in and some where we are just awful. Make a list of the places that you feel you do not do well in. Then do two things:

1. Try to figure out what it is about those places that brings out your suckitude. If you can figure that out, you can learn a lot about yourself. For example, I know someone who didn’t like to go to hoity-toity places. It turned out that was because he had low self-esteem and didn’t feel he belonged. Armed with that knowledge, he could address the underlying issue. You may not have that huge a revelation, but you might discover some interesting things about yourself.
2. As much as possible, avoid those places. Why would you want to go to a place where you suck?

With Whom Do You Suck?

Just like environments, we all have people in our lives who bring out the worst in us. For whatever reason, they just push out buttons, get our hackles up, and make us do things we later on regret. Who are those people in your life?

Once you know who they are, ask yourself, “what is it about these people that bring out the worst in me? Why do I respond to them the way I do?”

Sure, they may be awful human beings, but you are still the one sucking in your response to them. Maybe you get short tempered with them (work on letting go). Maybe they challenge you (get better at what you do or build your self esteem). Maybe they impose on you and make you feel guilty (get better at saying “no.”) And so on…

Of course, regardless of what you can learn from people who annoy you, you’ll still want to eliminate as many of them from your life. Stop spending time with them and start spending time with people who bring out the best, not the worst, in you.

When Do You Suck?

Are you a morning person or evening person? Do you suck in the middle of the day, right when you get home for work, or as soon as you wake up?

Sometimes out suckiness is triggered by an event. Figuring out when you suck can help you denitrify what that trigger is. For example, I used to suck the 30-60 minutes before I had to teach a kids martial arts class (I have written about my lack of joy in teaching the kids before). I would be negative, reclusive, and kind of pissy to the people around me. That connection was pretty obvious, but I missed it. In the same way, you might not realize what’s triggering your awfulness, even if though it may seem obvious in retrospect.

If there is a consistent time to your sucktacularness, see if you can identify the cause. The, either remove the cause (in my case: stop teaching a kids martial arts class), change the time (don’t schedule “quality time” or important meetings at times you are usually Mr. Crankypants), or change your approach (find a way of improving your situation).

Now for the “Motivational” Stuff

Now that you have gone through the “sucking self-analysis questions,” it is time for a love-fest. You don’t want to spend a bunch of time doing nothing but thinking about how bad you are. That could get down right depressing. So once you have finished analyzing your suckiosity, take a few minutes to write down your answers to the following:

• Why am I great?
• What am I awesome at?
• Who in my life brings out the best in me?
• Where do I love to go?
• When am I at my best?
• What am I grateful for?

Take some time to bask in your answers to those questions and feel good about yourself. Then go back and look at the previous questions and start unsuckifying yourself.

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Are you planning an event and looking for a great speaker to add humor and energy? Then visit Avish’s Motivational Humorist page now!
 

Have you ever struggled with a decision, big or small, and then got really annoyed at yourself for taking so long to decide? If so, don’t worry, you’re not alone. Fortunately, there are ways of dealing with that situation…

In 2008 I decided it was time to finally enter the new millennium and upgrade from my old Sony Walkman tape player and Rio Volt CD player to a new portable media player. Of course, I didn’t say, “I need to buy a new portable media player,” I said, “I need to buy an iPod.”

However, I also discovered that Microsoft had a competing competing device called the Zune. Now I have always been a PC guy, but I am by no means a zealot who makes my electronics purchases based on a cult like loyalty to a brand. Not that I am deriding anyone for doing that. And you know who you are. But I decided it was worth looking into…

This started an epic internal struggle that lasted waaaaaaay longer than I would have liked. The iPod vs. Zune debate raged in my head for weeks. It was getting ridiculous – this was a decision between an iPod and a Zune, not Sophie’s Choice.

Finally, I just made a decision and bought a Zune. Yes, mock me if you will (you won’t be the first or the last. I once came across a magazine article that basically mocked all Zune owners, so yeah, I’m used to it), but I stand by the decision and am still happy with it to this day (I’ll get into why I picked the Zune in a moment).

This got me thinking about how we all make decisions, and, more importantly, how much time we can waste either trying to make a decision or worse, not making a decision at all.

Making good, strong, and quick decisions is an incredibly valuable skill to have. It is the hallmark of great leaders, innovators, and, of course, improvisers. And yet, even though the skill is so valuable, so many people struggle with it everyday, on both big and small decisions.

What is about some people that lets them make great decisions on important issues while others struggle to decide between “chicken or fish” on a wedding RSVP? Well, it starts with a question…

Are You a Maximizer or a Satisfier?

I recently read The Paradox of Choice: Why More is Less by Barry Schwartz. In the book, Schwartz talks about how people can be broken down into Maximizers and Satisfiers:

• Maximizers – Try to find the best possible option of all possible choices
• Satisfiers. – Know what their needs are and choose the first (or anyone of the) choice that fulfills those needs

On the surface, it may seem that the Maximizer has a better strategy. By carefully analyzing the situation and weighing the options, he tries to make the absolute best choice. Ergo, the Maximizer always makes the best choice, right?

Maybe not. As it turns out, the Satisfier is the one who tends to do much better in the long run. Why is that? Well, for a few reasons:

1. The Maximizer is more prone to paralysis, as he can not decide between two options that are both strong in different ways.
2. The Maximizer spends (wastes) a lot more time and energy a) finding all possible alternatives and then b) trying to decide which option to go with.
3. The Maximizer spends more time afterward questioning the decision he made.

The Satisfier, while not always making the absolute “best” choice, makes quicker decisions, doesn’t get paralyzed, and tends to be happier with his choice afterward.

It’s a Question of Focus

As I thought about this, I realized the difference between Maximizers and Satisfiers is that they look at their choices in a simple but very different way:

• Maximizers focus on what they will miss out on if they don’t pick an option
• Satisfiers focus on what they will gain if they do pick an option

If you want to make better, faster decisions that you are happier with, then I suggest you be more of a Satisfier than Maximizer.

Of course, just because you are are Satisfier doesn’t mean that you don’t think things through, research options, and make smart choices. It just means that you don’t overly obsess over the decision, before, during, or after your choice.

Also, the level of research and thought that goes into your decision will change based on the context. There is a difference between picking which restaurant to eat at and which job you should take. One requires minimal thought; the other requires a bit more reflection. Sadly, I have seen (and occasionally been part of) some painfully long decision making processes about restaurant choices.

Your personality plays a part as well. If you love reading about restaurants, then researching options isn’t a big deal for you. If you’re a technogeek, you move love scouring websites reading about all the different options you have. But if you are not into it, then the Satisfier route is the way to go: figure out your basic needs, then just make a decision that feels the best to you.

Regardless of the context, your personality, or the size of the decision, at some point you need to simply decide amongst your choices and resolves to be happy with it.

Here are a few ways you can be less of a Maximizer, more of a Satisfier, and ultimately make better, faster decisions that you are happier with in the long run:

1) Know Your Needs, Wants, and the Difference Between the Two

When making a decision, it is important that you know what your needs and wants are.

• Needs are things that you absolutely must have. If a need is missing, that should be a dealbreaker.
• Wants are things that are nice to have. The more of your wants a choice has, the better, but if a few are missing, it’s not the end of the world.

Problems arise when people don’t think through what their wants and needs are. As a result, they get sucked in by some cool “wants,” and end up going with a choice that lacks one or two of their “needs.”

Another challenge is mistaking “wants” for “needs.” It’s not uncommon for a person to come up with a “must have” list that has 20 or more items on it! That’s crazy. Most of those items are probably “wants,” but the decider has convinced himself they are “needs.” As a result, he gets paralyzed as he sets out on the near impossible task of satisfying a massive “needs” list.

For most of the choices you make, big or small, you should only have a few needs. Three is usually plenty.

For example, if you are considering buying a house, you may have a huge list of “wants,” but how many of those are truly “needs”? You could probably narrow it down to a handful: minimal repair issues, design I like, and a good school system/neighborhood.

There may be many other things you would love a house to have (finished basement! modern kitchen! big yard! lose proximity to the highway! bedroom on the first floor! and on and on…) but those probably aren’t dealbreakers.

“But Avish! If I only have a few needs, won’t a lot of choices fit my criteria?” Well, yeah, and that’s the point. Once you realize that you have a lot of choices that will make you happy, you can let go of stress and make a better, faster decision. Provided you use the following steps as well…

2) Focus On How Good Each One Will Be, Not What You Will Miss Out On

Once you’ve got options narrowed down to those that fit your true needs, it’s time to start focusing on the various wants. However, most people, when faced with choices that fulfill different wants, tend to focus on what they will miss out on if they don’t pick option A, rather than focusing on what they will get if they pick option B. This will make them lean back towards option A, at which point they will think about what they will miss out on by not picking option B. It’s a maddening, stress filled, paralysis inducing cycle.

Once your needs are met, stop obsessing over what you will miss out on by not picking an option. Instead, spend your time and energy focusing on what each option will give you. Whichever one makes you feel the best is probably the one you should go for.

When it came to my Zune buying decision, both the iPod and Zune fit my needs, and were the same price. After a little research, I figured the advantages of the iPod were: a) it has a huge market for buying music, b) it has a huge market for accessories, and c) it’s an iPod – much cooler, and something I had been telling myself I would get. The Zune’s advantages were: a) it had a bigger screen and b) it had a built in radio. As I thought about the advantages, I realized that I cared more about the bigger video screen and radio than I did about the iPod’s advantages. So I bought the Zune. And I love it.

3) If You Can’t Change Your Decision, Stop Wishing You Went With the Other Choice

Some decisions, once you make them, can’t (or aren’t worth) undoing. If you are struggling to decide between two dinner entrees (hey, it happens more than it should for a lot of people) and you finally pick one, it probably won’t be worth the time and expense of switching choices later (unless your first choice ends up being so inedibly atrocious that you have to send it back, and you get comped). If you are deciding between two houses and you finally pick one, you will most likely not be switching to your other choice in six months.

In these types of scenarios, where once you make your decision you are set, there is no point at all in wishing you went with the other choice. That serves no purpose other than to creates a false sense of buyer’s remorse.

When you catch yourself focusing on what you are missing out by not having gone for that other choice, immediately switch your focus back to appreciating all the good things about the choice you did pick. This is an immediate stress reliever and will make you happy with your choice.

4) If You Can Change Your Decision, Give Yourself a Fixed Period of Time to Do So

On the other hand, it’s possible that your choice is something that you can change. For example, if you are deciding between two gyms and don’t get locked into a long term contract, you can end your membership to one and switch to another at any time. In these types of situations, give yourself a fixed amount of time after which you will reevaluate your choice and decide if you want to switch. If you do switch, great. If not, great. In either case, after that period of time is up, you will commit to your choice and stop worrying about it.

This exact situation happened to me when I was choosing between two gyms. One was closer with better hours and cardio equipment, the other was a bit farther and had better free weights. I went for the closer option, but after my fixed period of time (one week) I realized that what I cared most about was weights, and the free-weight situation at the other gym was much better, so I switched. After that, I never thought about it again (or if I did, I switched my focus to what I liked about the new gym)

5) Choose And Then Let Go

This is the hardest thing to do, but probably the most important. Once you make a choice, let it all go. Stop worrying if you made the right choice, stop obsessing over what you might be missing, and don’t kill yourself wondering what life would be like if you took the other fork in the road. You can’t go back and change the past, so just let it go and enjoy the present.

Ultimately, this is one of the key things that separates people who make good fast decisions from those who don’t. If you know you will be able to be happy with your choice and let it go afterward, you relieve a lot of the pressure and fear of making a decision. If you are worried that you will be regretting your decision for days, weeks, months, or even years, you will feel tremendous stress and go into over analysis and paralysis. Simply decide (ha!) in advance that once you make a choice you will let it go and be happy with it, and your paralysis and fear will melt away.

Decision making is a valuable skill that is so often lacking, but it doesn’t need to be. The next time you need to make a decision, try applying the techniques above and watch as you make a better, faster decision that you are happier with in the long run.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go enjoy the slightly larger video screen on my Microsoft Zune…

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Are you planning an event and looking for a great speaker to add humor and energy? Then visit Avish’s Motivational Humorist page now!