Thoughtlessness and Assumptions: Two Big Communication Destroyers

Sometimes I wonder why people do and say stupid things. Ok, I wonder about that quite often. I haven’t come up with an answer (yet), but I do have some ideas on how you can make sure you don’t do or say some of those stupid things yourself. It all starts with remembering to think and to not make assumptions…

This weekend I did something out of character and actually shaved, even though it was the weekend (yes, my laziness knows no bounds, especially when it comes to facial grooming). A few minutes after I finished, I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror and realized that I had missed a spot. No big deal, I just grabbed the razor fixed the situation (I also managed to avoid telling my friends, “Wow, I almost walked out the door with a patch of facial hair on my spot – that was a close shave! Ha! Ok, I’m glad I didn’t, since I hate puns. Puns are to jokes what Piels is to beer. Bad, tasteless, and only good when you have no other options and even less self-respect. But I digress…)

This led to one of those weird “high school flashback” moments where all of the sudden you remember a random conversation from 20 years ago. This particular moment took place in my senior year, when I was 17 and had been shaving for a couple of years (I probably started a year or two later than I should have. I spent a year or so with that weird “so thin it looks it was drawn on by pencil” moustaches that made me look like a bad guy from a bad 70’s action movie. People mocked me – oh how they mocked – but I refused to start shaving. I don’t really remember why; it probably had to do with buying in to the myth that shaving makes your hair grow faster. But I digress…).

One day I went to one of my classes and one the other students looks at me, pauses, then says, “You need to learn how to shave.”

I had no idea what he was talking about until he points out that I had missed a spot on my neck. Oh well, now I needed to spend the rest of the day with a mini patch of hair on my neck like a weird misplaced soul patch. Before soul patches were “cool.” Not that I think they’re cool now. Unless it’s the one worn by Geddy Lee, because everything he does is cool. But I digress…

What struck me at the time was the guy’s choice of words: “You need to learn how to shave.” What’s up with that?? That’s a straight up insult – saying I don’t know how to shave?? Of course I knew how to shave; I did so regularly and didn’t usually miss a spot.

My ego was offended that someone was questioning my face shaving proficiency. The logical side of my brain, however, was fascinated by the fact that someone would a) assume that just because I missed a spot one day that I “didn’t know how to shave,” and b) phrase their comments in an insulting way. Why would someone do that?

I’ll tell you why. Because we were in high school. And when we were in high school, we were stupid (in the same way that kids in high school now will look back on their high school days and say, “man, we were stupid.” In fact, if you don’t look back on your high school days and say, “man we were stupid,” then chances are that you haven’t learn or groan since then. In which case it’s not that your weren’t stupid, it’s that you were and still are and are just too stupid to realize it. But I digress…).

High school kids can say insensitive things. They can make logical jumps and false assumptions. That’s forgivable; they’re high school kids. The problem is when people become adults and still make these same stupid mistakes and assumptions. Sadly, based on my experience, this happens more often than it should.

Here are two things you can do to make sure you don’t fall into the “stupid insensitivity” trap yourself:

Pay Attention to How You Say Things

Face it: it’s not just what you say, it’s how you say it. Sometimes we feel we are “doing someone a favor” buy pointing out something wrong. For example, if someone has a piece of spinach in their teeth, they would probably prefer that you embarrass them a little and let them know, rather than ignore it and let them walk around all day looking like Popeye with a flossing problem.

However, you don’t have to say, “hey dumbass! learn how to eat properly and remove that disgusting bit of foliage from your chompers!” No, a simple, “you have something in your teeth,” will suffice.

Don’t hide behind the argument of, “if I am right, it shouldn’t matter how I say it.” That’s a dumb argument. It does matter, and you know it. Choose your words carefully.

Don’t Make Assumptions

If someone missed a spot shaving, it’s possible that they need to learn how to shave. It’s also possible they just happened to miss a spot. Or were distracted. or rushed. Or had bad lighting. Or the electric shaver ran out of battery. Or whatever. Don’t make an assumption.

There is a difference between observable behavior and underlying cause. The only thing you can ever be 100% sure is what you actually observe. No one can deny that I did, in fact, miss a spot shaving. However, unless you are only focusing on yourself (and even then you may be wrong), you can not really be sure why a person did something. If you make an assumptive jump (“you need to learn how to shave”) you will a) often be wrong b) look like a jackass and c) often make the situation worse with your jackasstic assumptions.

Look at an extreme example: Let’s say there is a woman in your office who happens to be cranky one day. There may be many reasons why she is, but if you decide to make an assumption and say, “Oh, you muct have PMS,” well then a ) you are probably wrong, b) you look like a jackass for making that assumption, and c) the situation will be far worse as she rips your head off for making such an insensitive assumption.

Don’t do it. Keep your focus on what you can observe, and let the assumptions go…

Thoughtless words and assumptions destroy communication and relationships. Remember the two tips above in your communications and you will avoid the common traps too many people fall into…

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