How to Make Sure People “Get” What You Are Saying

Have you ever been in a conversation with someone and gotten so frustrated because they just kept missing your point? Did you want to smack them in the head, grab their shoulders, and scream, “what’s wrong with you??” Sure, that’s a natural reaction. But it’s probably not the right one, especially since it may not be their fault – it may be yours…

A few days ago I was driving down the highway and I approached a entrance ramp where some cars where merging on to the road. I had a car to the left of me, so I couldn’t switch lanes (I look to do that if i can to make it easier for others to merge in). Instead, I slowed down a bit so the next car could get in front of me. Guess what he did? Nothing!

That’s right, he just kept on driving the same speed, even though I was giving him space to pull in front of me. I’m thinking, “come on buddy, cars are for driving. I’m letting you in here – stop acting like you don’t want to merge.”

I braked a little more, trying to give him more room. I could be wrong, but at this point I could swear he actually slowed down also! I considered slowing down to a full stop to see if he too would stop. We could get out, have a nice conversation, and share a warm cup of tea. All on the highway. But that would be ridiculous…

Finally, I realized this guy was never going to take advantage of my merging kindness and I just accelerated past him. Dumbass.

The next day the roles were reversed and I was the one merging onto the highway. I enter the accelerator lane and get my car up to speed. At this point there is a car in the lane to my left, just a smidge behind me. I don’t feel he is moving slow enough to let me in, nor do I feel there is enough space for me to pull in front of him.

We proceed on and this guy maintains his speed. I slow down a little to let him ass, and I swear, I think he slowed down too! Come on! Either speed up or slow down dumbass! Have a little consideration for others on the road!! Let me merge!!!

Finally, I accept the fact that he is not going to help me out, at all, so I brake pretty hard to let him pass and then finish my merge. If I was the type to give someone the finger, I may have given him the finger. I’m not that type, so instead, I did what I do best. I mocked him with my righteous indignation:

“I hate inconsiderate drivers. What an idiot. How do people like that exist in the world? People who don’t understand that we live in a society and the only way we survive and thrive is if we show each other a little consideration. Why am I so nice (even when people don’t take advantage of my kindness) while other people are jerks who just selfishly putter along without any semblance of driving etiquette? Aaaaarrrrggghhhh!”

Then I had a disturbing thought…

Was it possible that the “inconsiderate driver” who made it hard for me to merge was actually trying to let me merge in front of him? Is that why he was not accelerating past me? Because he was actually slowing down to a point that he thought would allow me to comfortably merge in front of him?

I want to saw “no way!” because as the person in the acceleration lane, I did not feel comfortable with either the space I had to merge or the speed at which he was driving.

Then I thought, hmm, let me rephrase that: “I did not feel comfortable merging with the space I perceived I had to merge at the speed I perceived he was driving.

The other driver and I had very different perceptions. I didn’t know what he was thinking. I didn’t know if he was braking. I had a different, tougher angle to try to see how much space was between us. He, of course, knew exactly what he thinking. He knew if he was braking. And he could clearly see that there was plenty of space for me to merge in front of him.

It’s like when you pass up a parallel parking spot because you are convinced it is too small, but when you walk past the spot later you say, “wow, this spot is waaaaay bigger than my car!” Different angles and positions create different perceptions.

Then I had an even more disturbing thought…

If the guy who I thought was an inconsiderate jerk when I was trying to merge was in fact trying to be nice and let me in but I didn’t realize it, does that mean that all those people I assumed were too stupid to take advantage of my driving kindness when I was trying to let them merge in front of me were not, in fact, stupid? Were they just unsure whether I was letting them merge because they had a very different perception than me?

Damn, I hate having revelations that make me the dumbass…

I now try to keep this lesson in mind when I drive: the other driver may not be an idiot; I may just not be communicating my intention to them clearly enough.

This same mentality applies to our communication off the road as well. Many times we get mad, annoyed, or frustrated at someone because they just don’t seem to “get it.” However, maybe the issue is not with their idiocy, but rather with the way we are communicating our message.

Here are two ways you can make sure your message is being clearly communicated:

Make Sure Your Message Is Being Received

There is a huge difference between merely, “saying the words,” and actually making sure your message has been properly conveyed. Just like the driver who leaves a space for another car to merge, it doesn’t matter what you communicate; what matters is what the other person takes the meaning to be.

This lesson applies to any form of communication: sales, customer service, teamwork, leadership, and even personal communications with friends and loved ones. So many miscommunications happen simply because we assume the other person understood us when in fact they did not.

If you are talking to someone, here are a few ways to make sure your message is properly received:

• Pay attention to non-verbal responses – People will convey a lot of information to you non-verbally. Even if their mouth says, “yes, I understand,” their body language and tone of voice might betray confusion, disagreement, anger, or some other emotion that could leas to a problem down the line. Rather than taking their verbal response at face value, pay attention to what the rest of them is saying.
• Speak at the listener’s level – If you were asking a three year old to hand you the remote control, you would use very different language than if you were to ask an adult to hand it to you. That’s obvious. But you should apply the same mindset when communicating with different adults. Don’t speak the same way to everyone about everything. Some people need logic. Some like emotion. Some like preamble and disclaimers. Others want you to cut right to the point. If you want to reduce miscommunications, speak in the way your listener needs to be spoken to, not in the way you want to speak.
• Listen for how they respond – In normal communication, people will respond to things you say. Listen carefully to what the other person says back to you. Their choice of words can give you a clear indicator of what they took your meaning to be.
• Force a summary response – Be careful with this one because it can make you sound like a condescending jerk, but if you have a critical communication that you are not sure the listener understood, ask them to summarize it back to you. While doing this too much may make you sound like a controlling blowhard, it is the best way to make sure everything is clear.

Try To Understand the Other Person’s Perspective

A great way to stress less and avoid misunderstandings is to pause for a moment and try to understand the other person’s perspective.

Someone hurts your feelings with an inconsiderate remark? Maybe that’s the way they were brought up to communicate. Are you offended that a co-worker didn’t invite you to their happy hour? Maybe they remembered a time you said, “I hate going to bars,” and assumed you wouldn’t want to go. Upset that you worked for hours on a project to make it great and your boss just responded to it with, “nice work”? Maybe he is a stoic man who doesn’t like to show emotion, and him saying, “nice work,” is the equivalent of another manager gushing on and on.

This does not mean you need to approve of or ignore rude behavior (in all three examples above the people could use a lot of work on their communication skills). But instead of blowing your top and making it a much bigger problem than it is, apply a little understanding, This will keep you calm and help you resolve the issue in a much more efficient manner.

Communication seems like the easiest thing in the world. We have been doing it pretty much since the time we were born. Communicating effectively, on the other hand, can be very challenging and takes practice. Start by remembering that the other person may have a very different perspective than you, and you will be well on the way to being a great communicator.

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