To Leave a Callback Number, Press 5…

Posted on July 3, 2008 by Avish

Quick question, if you called me and my voicemail picked up, and all you heard was, “Hey this is Avish, leave a message,” and then a beep, would you know what to do?

OF COURSE!!

So why is, why oh why is it, that so many voicemail systems automatically tack on the pre-recorded voice saying, “at the tone, please record your message. When you have finished recording, you may hang up, or press 1 for more options.” *pause* “To leave a callback number, press 5.” “To order takeout Chinese, press 9” Beep. (ok, the last one may not be real, but its coming…)

I can’t explain it. Maybe the voicemail companies are afraid that someone will call and think, “well, Avish said to leave a message, but he’s not an official representative of the phone company. Maybe I should wait for instructions from someone who’s in charge.”

Or perhaps there is a fear that Encino Man will thaw out, try to call someone, get sent to voicemail, and then be totally confused. “Ugh. What Encino Man do now after strange sounding beep??”

When answering machines first got popular in the U.S., I remember relatives from India calling, getting the machine, then getting really confused because they heard my parents’ voices but didn’t know why they weren’t responding. They didn’t have answering machines in India at that point, so it was understandable.

That was 20 years ago! Do we really need an an automated message *after our own message* saying, “at the tone, please record your…blah blah blah”?? At this point, I would think that if you are the type of person who needs the automated voice to explain the whole “voicemail messaging thing,” then you probably aren’t qualified to be making a call or even touching a phone. Put it down, and walk slowly away.

And really, it’s the *pause* before the “to leave a callback number, press 5” That pause lulls you into the sense that ok, here comes the beep, only to hoodwink you with more inane messages. Every time!

I may be technologically behind. I would like to hear from people who press 5 to leave a callback number. I certainly never have, nor do I know anyone who has. But maybe there is a huge cadre of people running out pushing “5” every time they leave a voicemail.

You know, I think next time I call I am going to start hitting “1” for options and “5” to leave a callback number. Just because. I’m also going to change my outgoing voicemail to be a recording of the woman saying, “at the tone, please record your message. When you have finished recording, you may hang up, or press 1 for more options.” *pause* “To leave a callback number, press 5.” Beep.

That’ll learn ’em. Yup, that’ll learn ’em good.

Posted in Just Funny | 3 Comments

Worst Cover Song EVER!

Posted on June 25, 2008 by Avish

Celine Dion (with Anastasia) covering AC/DC’s “You Shook Me All Night Long.”

Go ahead and let that sink in for a second.

Got it?

Can you see it yet?

Have you burst a synapse?

If you can’t visualize it, you can watch it:

The rating of “worst cover” is not according to me, but according to a survey in Total Guitar Magazine

It’s pretty bad. When I first heard it, I had to quickly look around and make sure I wasn’t at the local karaoke bar listening to the former high school theater ingenue try to impress her brand new match.com date by singing a “real rock ‘n roll song.” But no, I was at my desk, in front of my computer.

I realize this is my second Celine Dion post in a week, and I don’t want you to read into that. That’s not what this is about. Really, it isn’t. I swear, I don’t have a Celine poster in my room. I don’t!

Anyhow…

I’m all about people stretching themselves and trying something new. That’s the entire premise of my “yes, and” principle. However, “yes, and” is a mentality, a first response. It doesn’t mean you go and say “yes” to everything that comes your way.

I think it’s great that Celine initially sayed “yes,” to the idea of going so out-of-genre with AC/DC. But, you would hope that after thinking it over, running it a few times, and getting some feedback, she would have said, “you know what, this ain’t my thing.”

On the other hand, I actually applaud her for trying. I definitely prefer “try and fail” to “not try at all.” The thing is, you have to pick your spots. This is why even top name stand up comics try new material at open mic nights. A nationally televised performance may not be the time to try something that new.

But when it works it works real well. For an example of somebody crossing over genres amazingly well, check out this clip of country star Grethen Wilson – backed by Alice in Chains! – singing Barracuda by Heart. I can’t stand country music, but I gained a lot of respect for Gretchen after seeing this:

Dang, she can sing!

If you want to compare it to the original, you can see Heart perform it:

The added benefit of watching this version is that Fergie from that Black Eyed Peas joins them halfway through – and she doesn’t do a half bad job. Plus, at about the 2:40 mark she does this oddly hypnotizing one-handed cartwheels…

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Balboa does Bollywood!

Posted on June 23, 2008 by Avish

Wow, wow, WOW!

Just read that Sylvester Stallone has been signed to appear in a *Bollywood* movie as – get this – himself. Same report also says Ahnold – the Gubernator – and Beyonce have also been signed. Don’t know if these are 100% true, and whether these are full parts or cameos, but does it really matter?

Two things that should never be uttered in the same sentence are Sylvester Stallone and Bollywood.

I’ve never been a huge fan of Bollywood movies (I know, I should hand in my “Indian” card, right?) but there is a certain level of acting that goes into them. I mean come on, Sly can barely speak English. Not that I think he will speak Hindi. Though is he does, it will make my year. Make me laugh harder than “Stop or My Mom Will Shoot!” (Laugh *at*, not *with*)

And, if they can get him to sing and Hindi and dance a bollywood musical number, I could die a happy man. Stallone hasn’t sung and danced since his appearance on the Muppet Show. You can see the debacle of Stallone – in gladiator garb at that – doing a duet of “Let’s Call the Whole Thing Off” with a lion here.

Evidently, Stallone is big in India. I knew he was big when I visited in ’95, but I didn’t know he was still popular. But hey, if it’s going to sell tickets, I guess they’ll do anything

Lesson #1 – Knowing your target market inside and out is the key to business success. If your Bollywood fans like Stallone, go ahead and throw them together. If you cast it, they will come.

Lesson #2 – Just because you *can* create something that people will buy doesn’t always mean you should. Marketing gets people in the door. A quality product keeps them there and keeps them coming back. The verdict is out on how Sly and company do in a Bollywood movie. Personally, I’m hoping for an eventual US remake of “Sholay” starring Sly and Arnold (yeah, only 4 of you may get that joke, but I like it…)

Posted in Business Advice | 2 Comments

Celine Dion

Posted on June 17, 2008 by Avish

I’m pretty open minded, but there is one immutable fact of manhood:

When you are driving in your car, listening to one of your pre-set radio stations, and Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On” comes on the radio, it’s time to change your pre-set radio stations.

The Lesson: Life will give you feedback on every decision you make, big or small. It’s up to you whether you do anything about it.

Posted in Just Funny, Motivation & Success | 1 Comment

More Traffic Ranting…

Posted on June 11, 2008 by Avish

Ok, I know I have ranted before about how annoying some people can be when driving. But it bears repeating.

I was pulling into the grocery store of a parking lot the other day. The lot is set up so there is only one lane in, and once you are in the lot you can go straight or turn right. Simple enough, right?

I was behind this car that pulled in to the single lane entrance, got up to the “decision making point” of going straight or turning right, and then…just…stopped. Not for too long, but I could almost hear the mental gears grinding away as the person in front of me tried to figure out whether to go straight or right. Finally, after what seemed like an hour and a half (though in reality was probably only 5-10 seconds) they turn right. I choose to stop following them and go straight.

Now you might be thinking, “well, sometimes the lot is pretty full and so you want to try to see where the free spots are.” Good thought. Unfortunately, this was early in the day, the lot was only half full (I’m an optimist, otherwise I would call it “half-empty”), and open spots were clearly visible all over the lot.

In the grand scheme of things, wasting 5-10 seconds of my life while someone decides whether to go straight is not a huge deal. But it got me thinking about the whole “indecisiveness” thing.

These days, I am doing a lot of work helping people be more flexible and think quickly on their feet. This parking lot story demonstrates why some people are really getting in their own way when it comes to that area:

1) Making things more important than they are – This is what takes the inconvenient and turns it into the absurd. The person in front of me wasn’t making a life decision. They just needed to figure out whether to turn right or go straight. There is no reason to over think it! Can you imagine how tough it would be for them to make an important decision?!

Have you ever seen someone nearly cause a multi car pileup (or worse, almost caused one yourself) because they see the turn they are supposed to make and so they slam on the breaks and cut across three lanes of traffic? I am not taking about on the highway, where if you miss a turn you could drive 35 miles before the next exit. I’m talking about driving around the town when missing a turn simply means making a u-turn a few blocks up.

Same rule applies out of the car. How many times have you seen someone get stressed out about a decision that, in the grand scheme of things, matters very little? This is not the way to be a quick thinking, decisive person.

2) Paralysis vs. taking action – Here’s the real danger of not thinking quickly. When uncertain on a course of action, many, many people will choose no action at all. In a car, this backs up traffic. In business, this leads to no progress, no resolution, and usually a worsening of the underlying issue.

Great improvisers know that when faced with a difficult decision, it is better to take some action and then readjust as you go.

3) Know who are you inconveniencing – Seems like people have no idea of the impact their actions have on others. This person in front of me didn’t care that there were cars behind him (or her, I didn’t see). A few days ago I was eating at an outdoor cafe, and I saw a car go through an intersection on a one lane Philadelphia straight and then…just…stop. With a car behind him! I have no idea what was going on or why. Maybe he dropped his fruit rollup on the on the floor and picked that exact moment to pick it up. Who knows. But for a good thirty seconds, this car just sat their, totally blocking the other car, and didn’t seem to care. Eventually, the first car just started moving and went along it’s merry way.

I don’t get it! And this is not an isolated incident. The selfishness of the world when driving never ceases to amaze me. People will double park, stop traffic, drive the wrong way down one way streets, with no consideration for anyone else!

You may think that “well, when you’re driving who cares? You don’t know these other people, so who cares?” Now there’s an idea that Machiavelli would envy, but fine.

The situation gets worse when you think about other life situations. People constantly respond in the moment in ways that don’t take others into consideration. The classic example of this is punctuality. Have you ever had plans ruined or thrown off because someone showed up late? Some will say it’s just their nature. I agree; it’s just their nature to be inconsiderate and rude.

Too harsh? Come on, you know it’s not. Sure, Ding Happens, and we’re all going to be late on occasion. I’m talking about people who are consistently late. At that point, they have made a decision to say, “I am going to live my life without any consideration for your time or schedule.”

When it comes to making decisions, thinking quickly, and being flexible, those who are best at it are able to take into consideration the wide reaching effects of their actions, both on themselves and others. This is what leads to great leadership, connections, and friendships.

Am I reading too much into a 5 second delay in a parking lot? Probably. But it’s a slippery slope my friends, it’s a slippery slope…

Posted in Ding!, Motivation & Success | 1 Comment

Hats??

Posted on May 20, 2008 by Avish

I have been watching the current season of “Top Chef” (Yes, I watch too much TV). There is one contestant, Spike, who always wears a hat. I gotta say, I don’t get it. I don’t understand hats. For kids and teens, sure, I have no idea why they do and wear 95% of the things they do anyway. Adults on the other hand, should know better.

I’ll admit it, I have no fashion sense. I have a home office, and my biggest fashion decision is usually, “which old t-shirt do I throw on?” But really, hats? I mean, women can make various hats look sexy about 50% of the time. The other 50% you just look at them and say, “wow, she’s trying a bit too hard.”

Very, very, very few men, on the other hand, can pull off a hat purely for fashion’s sake. Here’s a test – the next time you see a guy wearing a hat (not a baseball cap and not one for warmth) I challenge you to not make a “Newsies,” “Indiana Jones,” “Magician,” or “Panama Jack” joke. I guarantee you won’t be able to do it.

I suppose there are practical reasons to wear a hat. The obvious one is warmth. 80% of heat leaves through the head, and hats help with that. Hats can also keep the sun out of your eyes and off your face, and they can also keep the rain off your head. And of course some people wear hats for religous reasons.

Cowboys can wear hats. But I’m from the Northeast. If you’re in Philadelphia and are wearing a cowboy hat, you better be transplanted from Montana.

Then there’s baseball hats. I used to wear baseball hats. In college. When I was too lazy to shower. If you’re going to a game or going to watch a game somewhere, sure, throw on the cap. Otherwise, I’m going to go ahead and assume you didn’t shower and stay far away. (Of course, maybe you consider that an added “hat wearing bonus”)

Is there a lesson here? Yes: If not for shade or heat, don’t wear a hat.

The bigger lesson? Be yourself. Yes, people may make fun of you or criticize you for what you do, but if you are doing it for the right reason (because it’s who you are), then you will be much happier and successful. Even if that means wearing a hat and having me make a “Newsies” joke about you.

Posted in Motivation & Success | 2 Comments

80’s Action TV Openings

Posted on May 9, 2008 by Avish

I just came across a list of the “The Top 25 Opening Credits of 80’s televsion action shows”

Very funny list, and it definitely took me back to my days growing up and watching *way* too much TV.

The best part of the list is the inclusion of “Manimal” My God, that show was atrocious, and if you watch the opening credits I’m sure you’ll see why. It was a show about a man who could change into any animal he wanted. It sounds like it could be one of those “so bad, it’s good” shows, but no, no it’s not…

The sad thing is how much I loved Manimal as a kid. I watched it every week and ate it up. Then twenty years later, through the glory of the SciFi Network, I watched it again. Which is to say I watched the first ten minutes before I had to make the choice: change the channel or keep watching and end up tearing out my eyeballs to stop the pain. I opted to change the channel.

The Lesson: There are two types of businesses and products: timely, and evergreens. Timely products are good for a short while, then go away (Manimal and the “dot.com” boom). Evergreens are products and businesses that stick around forever (The X-Files and Microsoft – they may change their offerings and delivery channels, but it’s no flash in the pan). There’s nothing wrong with a timely product or business – just realize it ain’t going to last and get what you can out of it now – or else you might end up like Simon MacCorkindale – the Manimal himself – and end up getting eaten by a 3D shark in Jaws 3D.

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Avish Parashar – Teeny Bopper

Posted on May 9, 2008 by Avish

This is just wrong. I listen to Pandora.com a good chunk of the day, which is an online streaming radio site that plays songs according to your tastes (you rate songs and it tries to send more songs you should like based on those ratings). I really like their service.

But there is a problem.

I keep hearing these songs that I like and think to myself, “hey, this sounds really good. I should see who does this and put it on my ‘to buy from iTunes’ list” Then I look it up and it’s friggin Avril Lavigne! Seriously, it’s been 4 songs at least, and I *really* like them. I may even buy the CD.

I am clearly not a 35 year old man, but rather a 16 year old girl trapped in a man’s body.

Posted in Just Funny | 2 Comments

The Ridiculousness that is “Superman II”

Posted on April 24, 2008 by Avish

I recently re-watched Superman II (technically, I watched “Superman II: The Richard Donner cut).

Lots of fun, very enjoyable, but truly ridiculous. I wrote a whole article about it, which you can read here:

http://www.avishparashar.com/article-superman2.html

Posted in Just Funny | 1 Comment

Is This What They Mean by “The Law of Attraction”?

Posted on April 16, 2008 by Avish

Roaches. Why did it have to be roaches…?

I just finished reading “The Key,” a book by Joe Vitale on “the Law of Attraction.” For those of you unfamiliar with the Law of Attraction, made popular in books such as “The Secret,” “The Attraction Factor,” and the on-point-ly titled, “The Law of Attraction,” the Law of Attraction simply states that you attract into your life whatever you focus on the most.

I am on the fence about the Law. On one hand, I have seen some evidence of it in action. On the other hand, I have a large left-brained and analytical background, so I am also skeptical. I have read quite a few books on it, and from time to time try to apply it. Yes, I realize that to really make it work you need to do it daily, but if we all did what we knew was best we would have no poverty, obesity, or violence, now would we? 🙂

When in doubt, I go with the choice that has the biggest positive outcome, regardless of validity. If I act like the Law of Attraction is real and it’s not, then the worst thing that happens is that I spend my time focusing on positive outcomes. Being positive and happy, even if never manifests more than a jelly donut, is still a good thing.

Or so you might think…

I am currently using my NetFlix membership to re-watch the entire run of the X-Files (what a great show!). Two days ago, I saw the episode, “War of the Coprophages.” This entire episode is about a small town where roaches – yes, roaches – attack the local populace. To death. I can only imagine that on the scale of ways to go, “death by roach attack” is pretty high on the awful scale, a bit worse than “death by drowning in a vat of sausage gravy” and a bit better than “death by exposure to Yakoff Smirnoff jokes.”

Now I have cockroaches on the brain. Think back to the Law of Attraction. What we focus on, we attract into our lives…

The next day, I am sitting at my desk, typing away, when I feel a little tickle on my arm. I innocently look down, and I SEE A COCKROACH ON MY ARM! And not one of those little suckers – this is a giant cockroach, easily three inches long! I flip out and shriek like a little girl, knock it off my arm, and go scrambling for a paper towel. In this time, the roach disappears under my couch. The next three hours of my life play out like a bad slasher movie. Every time I feel an itch or a tickle, or hear an unfamiliar sound, I envision myself starting to investigate only to get jumped on by a giant roach just as I turn the corner. Eventually, one of those times I heard a sound it actually was the invader, and I managed to dispatch of him before he could get away.

The weird thing is that I don’t have a roach problem. This is the first roach I have ever seen in this place, and I have been here almost five years now. Somehow, within 24 hours of watching an X-Files episode devoted to roaches, one ends up not only in my place but on my arm.

Law of Attraction or crazy coincidence? Decide for yourself.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go focus on beautiful women and untold riches. Or maybe just on the Orkin man.

Posted in Just Funny, Motivation & Success | Leave a comment