How to Avoid Making Stupid Mistakes Out of Stupid Anger

Have you ever done something really stupid when you were angry? If so, don’t worry; now you can feel better about yourself, because I doubt you have ever done something this stupid.

I came across this story that a) strongly suggests that stupidity is genetically linked and b) is a good example of how easy it is to do something stupid out of anger:

Cops: Siblings brawl over butter in mac and cheese

In a nutshell, a girl “was making macaroni and cheese when her brother asked if she was using butter. That led to an argument over the difference between butter and margarine.” This led to her trying to slice his neck with a serrated spatula.

No, you did not read that wrong: an argument over the difference between butter and margarine led to the girl trying to cut her brothers neck.

With a spatula.

A serrated one.

Dear God, what is the world coming to? Clearly, this is a person who needs to learn a little self control. And perspective. And anger management.

This story is ridiculous on so many levels:

The argument was over the difference between butter and margarine.

Ok, I get that some people can be passionate about some really odd things, and to that I say, “to each their own.” But this may very well be the stupidest basis for assault that I have come across.

Unless you happen to be John Parkay and Jerry Land O’ Lakes (the famous Scottish butter churner) in the 1700’s dueling over some weird “butter vs. margarine” honor issue, there is no way anyone, anywhere, anytime, anyhow could see this kind of debate escalating to physical violence.

Of course, they didn’t say who was pro-butter and who was pro-margarine. I suppose if the brother was pro-margarine, then maybe this would have been a case of self-defense. I mean, trans-fats are the most dangerous things on earth, right? Right??

She tried to cut his neck

Can you think of anything in a debate about butter and margarine that would lead to one person trying to cut the other person’s neck??

For you non-medical types, let me explain: the neck is a sensitive areas with some major arteries running through it. Slice one of those open, and a person bleeds to death. So essentially, she was trying to murder her brother over a margarine debate. Sure, the charge was fourth degree assault, but you, me, and Matlock know that it was really attempted murder.

The article makes it sound like she specifically went for his neck. This is not a case of her picking up a spatula and whacking him with it. Oh no, she grabbed a serrated spatula (more on that in a minute) and went for the jugular. Literally.

She used a serrated spatula

Here was my first thought when I read this article: “What the heck is a serrated spatula?” You non-kitchen gadget experts can relate. If you don’t know what it looks like, I would love to show you a picture. Sadly, there are no license-free serrated spatula images on the entire interweb. I guess the serrated spatula is a copywrite protected object. Maybe I should ask the Pirate Bay for an image.

My next question is, “what does one use a serrated spatula for?” I can only think of three uses:

1. Hacking up unruly omelettes
2. Cutting tomatoes in a pinch
3. Murdering your brother when he disagrees with you about the differences between butter and margarine

What an odd choice of weapon. Notice how, “making macaroni and cheese” was not on my list of “serrated spatula uses.” That means that she didn’t have the spatula in her hand, and rather had to go get it to attack her boyfriend. In a kitchen filled with knives, she went for the serrated spatula.

On the plus side, there is now a 76% chance that we’ll see Jason attack a camper with a serrated spatula in the next Friday the 13th movie, “Friday the 13th XXIII: Jason Goes to Wenatchee.”

I truly hope and assume you are smart enough to not attack someone with a mildly annoying weapon over a stupid argument. But just in case, here are three things we can all learn about dealing with anger:

Walk Away!

I have to believe that at some point, at any point, really, either one of these two could have simply walked away. They could have stopped arguing over something so stupid and just moved on with their lives. That would be the sane, sensible thing to do. I have no illusions that these two are the types who would take the sane, sensible approach to anything, but hopefully you are.

So many of our troubles would go away (or get smaller. Or at least not get any bigger) if we could get ourselves to simply walk away. Don’t engage in stupid arguments. Don’t fall for it when someone is baiting you. Realize when you are at an impasse and agree to disagree. Life will be much easier and whole lot less stressful.

(Though I have to say, the visual of one of those two walking away while the other chases them down yelling, “get back here! We are not done discussing the molecular gastronomical differences between butter and margarine yet!” does make me laugh…)

Don’t Blow Things Out of Proportion!

Ok, I get it: sometimes people will do things that piss you off. It happens. But if you are going to respond (and you probably shouldn’t – see my point above) don’t blow it out of proportion. That never works out well.

So if you are frustrated in an argument about butter, don’t respond with assault. If someone makes a joke about your shirt that hurts your feelings, don’t respond with a joke about his dead mother. And if your boyfriend takes the last Natural Light beer from the fridge without asking, don’t slap him in the face and kick him in the groin (frankly, if you are committing assault over Naturally Light you need to seriously reevaluate your life decisions).

It’s not rocket science people. Don’t blow things out of proportion!

Have a Line!

Am I the only person in the world who thinks that words should never lead to physical violence? Why are so many people so quick to cross that important line and start attacking each other?

Here’s my line: I’ll use physical force to defend myself and the people I care about. That’s pretty much it. Why people are so willing to commit assault (and even murder) over things like stupid arguments, misunderstanding, and spilled beer, I’ll never understand.

You should have a line that you know you will only cross in extreme circumstances. There are (or should be) some things you never say, some words you never use, and some actions you never take. Know what your line is, and don’t cross it!

In this story, I do have to give the brother a little credit. In most cases like these the victim would end up retaliating with something even more out of proportion, like shoving his sister’s head into a Juiceman Jr. and enjoying a delicious glass of carrot-kale-apple-person juice. Ah, who am I kidding; people who eat mac and cheese don’t have kale lying around the house…

In case you were wondering, the girl was charged with 4th degree assault, 2nd degree stupidity, 1st degree overreacting, and 1 count of assault with a deadly utensil…

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