Simple Communication Mastery: Listen, Respect, Consider, Respond

I firmly believe that all your interpersonal issues would go away if everyone in your life (yes, including you) was able to communicate masterfully. You may not always agree with everyone, but with some simple but powerful communication skills, you could eliminate drama, stress, arguments, and miscommunication.

Unfortunately, you can’t force all the other people in your life to adopt awesome communication skills (though you could send everyone you know an email about this blog…hint, hint…).

However, you could start by adopting superior communication skills yourself. This won’t eliminate all your problems because other people are still involved, but it should help you greatly reduce them.

Communication should not be all that tough. Most communication breakdowns happen because people open their mouths and say things without thinking first. This is pretty sad, since what you say and how you say it can greatly impact the people around you.

This is even truer for managers and leaders. A Manager with poor communication skills can hold an entire company back and make the lives of every one of his employee lives’ miserable.

The sad thing is that it’s not really all that hard to communicate effectively. To start, if people would simply Pause, Breathe, and Think (The “PBT” method) before talking, the world would be a better place.

However, the PBT system is mostly a way to catch yourself from saying and doing stupid things. In this post, I am going to share with you a simple four-step process you can use in conjunction with PBT to communicate in a way that builds relationships, heads off problems, and prevents miscommunication.

The process is simple: Listen, Respect, Consider, Respond.

1) Listen

It all starts with listening. Real listening. The type of listening where you stop doing the five other things you usually do when others talk to you. Where you stop thinking of other things and put 100% of your attention on the speaker. Where you don’t start formulating your response within two seconds.

By doing nothing more than simply listening, you will achieve greater rapport and understanding than ever. You will also be much better prepared to communicate a response that the other person hears and accepts. In fact, it is even possible to motivate others with the simple act of listening.

Real listening is simple, but so few people do it. Just remember to shut your mouth, open your mind, push away other thoughts as they come up, and put your full attention on the speaker.

2) Respect

Before you open your mouth and respond, and even before you start formulating a response, remind yourself to respect the other person. You may not agree with them. They may even be flat-out wrong. However, they are still a person, and most likely a person you will continue to have very regular contact with. Respect the relationship before you respond.

Also, respect the fact that all people are different. Just because you don’t feel a certain way doesn’t mean that others won’t. Understanding and connection start with simply respecting the differences we all have.

3) Consider

A critical component of the communication process is to actually consider what the other person is saying, and to also consider the impact of your response:

Consider what the person is saying – It’s amazing how many times we listen to others but completely ignore what they are saying. Take a moment to actually consider their opinion, even if you initially disagree with it. You may ultimately disagree, but by taking a few seconds to consider it, you avoid the snap responses that lead to arguments, negativity, and bad feelings.

Consider the impact of your words – What you say and how you say it can tremendously impact the person you are speaking with. They can also impact the relationship. And through those two things, they can impact the quality of your own life. Too many people have only one communication style and never bother to consider how that style will be received by the listener. Before you open your mouth to respond, consider how your message will be received and what impact those words will have.

Incidentally, this is what I think separates thoughtless managers from evil ones. The thoughtless just never consider the impact of their words. The evil ones consider the impact, are aware of the negative (usually unnecessary) impact, and continue anyway. They enjoy it. They revel in. That, my friends, makes them evil…

4) Respond

Once you have listened fully, respected the person you are speaking with, and considered both their opinion and the impact of your response, then it’s the appropriate time for you to respond.

If you’ve done the first three steps, responding should take care of itself. You’re fully aware what the other person wants, you are coming from a place of respect, and you are being considerate. How could you not come up with a thoughtful, relationship solidifying response at that point?

The only mistake you could make at this point is to not respond at all. When you’re having an in-person conversation, you will of course respond (ok, this may not be true. My friend from the Horrible Bosses post would often have her boss end the meeting by storming out in a huff. What a dumbass).

In other forms of communication, specifically email, the “responding” step often gets missed. Because of its asynchronous nature, you have time to listen, respect, and consider. But sometimes we forget to respond!

You’ve probably sent a well thought out, well crafted email, only to wait days for a response (which sometimes never comes!). And you’ve probably been on the other side, where someone is waiting for a response from you but you keep putting it off.

Communication is a two way street. Make sure you respond!

Won’t This Take a Long Time?

It may seem like this form of communication will take a long time, written out like it is. At first it may, as you’ll really have to slow yourself down and remind yourself to go through these steps.

However, as you practice this process, it will get easier and more natural, and eventually it will be second nature. At that point it will take barely longer to communicate this way that it does to respond without thinking.

Besides, the time you will save by avoiding arguments, negativity, and miscommunication will more than make up for the slight bit of extra time you will spend listening, respecting, and considering.

While it would be ideal to be able to force everyone around you to communicate this way, that’s probably not possible. However, condition yourself to follow the four steps above and I promise you your communication skills will improve, the stress and drama in your life will go down, and you will build greater rapport and stronger relationships.

P.S. If you like this post, why don’t you share the love and click the Facebook “Like” button at the top of this page…?

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By Avish Parashar. As the world's only Motivational Improviser, Avish uses techniques from the world of improv comedy to engage, entertain, and educate audiences on ideas around change, creativity, and motivation. Connect with Avish on Google+

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