Valentine’s Day Humor: 5 MORE Things That Suck About Being Single

Valentine’s Day is approaching and that means that it’s society’s chance to make people feel really bad about being single. It’s bad enough that single people who don’t necessarily want to be single (like *cough* myself) are single, but now we get a whole day (and preceding month or so of advertising) to have our singleness rubbed in our faces.

Rather than rail against it, I have decided to join in! About six months ago I posted a list of things that suck about being single that have nothing to do with love or sex. In honor of Valentine’s Day, I present 5 MORE things that suck about being single that have nothing to do with love or sex.

Single people, you may join me in commiserating. Coupled folk, consider this an insight into the minds of your single friends.

(Note: Be sure to check back in tomorrow when I post the counter argument with a List of Things That are Freakin’ Awesome About Being Single!)

Valentine’s Day

Let’s kick it off with the timely one. I don’t care if you like it, hate it, or are ambivalent about it: if you are single, Valentine’s Day sucks. Sucks, sucks, sucks.

(Full disclaimer: I am not one of those people who is morally, philosophically, and economically opposed to Valentine’s Day. I kind of like it. When I’m dating.)

The only upside is that if you go out on V-day you can be pretty sure that just about everyone you meet will also be single. You would think. But not always. One time I went out with friends on V-day and met an attractive and cool friend of a friend. She turned out to be engaged to guy who happened to be away on business. Of course.

Listen up non-single people! I am anti-segregation, but on Valentine’s Day you stick to your romantic restaurants and theater shows and date movies. Leave the bars alone! Leave the coffee shops alone! Leave any and every non-romantic venue where two single people may meet alone!

What’s that? You say your significant other is away? Too bad. Go over a friends house with a case of beer or pint of ice cream and watch the NBA All-Star game or Beaches. What’s that? You say it’s depressing to be alone on Valentine’s Day? Welcome to the single person’s world.

But I’m not bitter…

New Years

Speaking of holidays, how about New Years? When you’re single at a New Years party, that whole “countdown to the new year,” thing becomes a “countdown to a depressing reminder of your singleness.” What a spectacular way to kick off the new year.

New Years isn’t so bad if you are at a big party or bar – there are plenty of people around (and hey, you never know, right?) But when you are the eleventh wheel at a five couple event, well then it gets a little depressing. Thank God I could whip out my iPhone and look like I was texting someone really important, otherwise I’d be the creepy guy at the party watching all the other couples hook up.

I’m telling you, if I happen to be single at the next New Years party, I am showing up with a mannequin and kissing it at midnight in hopes that it will turn into Kristy Swanson .

But I’m not bitter…

The Lack of a “Lifeline”

I’ll admit it. The real source of my jealousy of my coupled friends is not that they have found happiness (who cares about that?). Rather, it’s that they can go to any event, anywhere, and not worry about being bored because they’ll have at least one person to talk to.

Weddings, networking events, professional dinners, and the dreaded “party thrown by a guy I don’t know that well and don’t know any of his friends but he cornered me and I couldn’t say no so now I have to go.” These may be bad unto themselves, but let me tell you, going alone is exponentially worse than going as a couple.

But I’m not bitter…

Any Family Get Together, Ever

If I need to explain this to you then either

1. You have been with someone your entire adult life
2. You have some kind of a perfect Stepford family that never looks at your singleness with desperation and disdain
3. You are clueless

In any case, I have no time for you.

But I’m not bitter…

The False Setups

In the first single person’s rant, I talked about the “Last Call Setup,” where someone tries to set you up on a date based on no other information that you are both single (biggest offender on this? My mom. She recently gave me nothing but the name and email address of a girl. And that’s it. And that’s all she knew about her. And the girl lives 300 miles away. I love you mom, but that’s pretty skimpy, even by Indian standards…)

Here I am talking about the reverse situation. I have had quite a few people mention this phrase to me: “Oh, I know lots of single girls who would love to meet a great guy like you. I’ll definitely introduce you.” Guess how many of them have gone on to set me up? Exactly one. Just one. That’s it.

I’m not laying blame or passing the responsibility of my dating life on to anyone else, but don’t say it if you don’t mean it!

And I’m not talking about when someone mentions a specific friend who they want to set you up with, and then it just ends up not working out. That happens. I’m talking about when someone dangles a cornucopia of dating possibilities in front of you and never delivers. Curse you Tantalus!!

Imagine this scenario: Let’s say that you like steak. I tell you, “hey, I make the most amazing steak you have ever had. It’s awesome. I will definitely have you over and make it for you.” This would probably get you excited right? Then imagine that we keep seeing each other periodically, and yet I never make you the steak. I will however keep mentioning to you how, “oh yeah, I’ll have to have you over for this awesome steak recipe some time.” I may even tell you how I had steak on my own last week. Then imagine that for whatever reason, you have not had steak since we first spoke. You’ve tried, but for whatever reason (the restaurant was closed, the steak wasn’t to your liking, you and the steak had different political views, etc.) you just haven’t had any steak. Wouldn’t you get a little annoyed at me for talking so much about the steak but never delivering? Wouldn’t you start wondering if I was ever going to actually make you that steak? Wouldn’t you be tempted to take a steak and shove it down that person’s throat?

Yeah, that’s you when you say, “I know lots of single people to set you up with,” and then don’t.

But I’m not bitter….

Funny, I am really still not bitter at all. Some things just need to be said. And to prove to you I am not bitter and that I can see the bright side of things, tomorrow I will be posting a list of things that are freakin’ awesome about being single! So subscribe or check back tomorrow!