Lessons From Choosing an Online Dating Site: Beware of Generalizations!

Being a single guy, I get a lot of advice and opinions on how and where to meet women. Being a human being, I get lots of advice and opinions from a lot of well meaning people on a lot of topics. I’m sure you do too. But have you ever taken a step back and considered how valid some of the advice you get actually is? Perhaps it’s time you did…

I was recently at a brunch with a group of people that for the most part, didn’t know each other. Two girls began talking about online dating. One of the girls (lets call her Mary Kate) had tried a bunch of sites while the other (let’s call her Ashley – these names are purely random…) had never done any online dating. Mary Kate was giving Ashley some advice.

“Don’t do eHarmony. It sucks and is a waste of time.”

Interesting. I have a friend who has a very large e-list, and he once sent out an email highly recommending eHarmony.com over other sites.

Hmm…. Why two such wildly differing opinions? I think the answer is obvious:

1. Mary Kate had nothing but bad experiences on eHarmony.
2. My friend had a great experience. In fact, he just got married to a woman he met on eHarmony.

This got me thinking about other conversations I have had about online dating. A girl recently told me that Match.com sucks because it’s filled with nothing but guys only looking for sex. That’s one point of view. On the other hand, I was in the wedding party last year of two people who met on Match.

A friend told me to try OkCupid.com because the people he met there were “a lot more interesting” than on the other sites. I have been on one OkCupid date – it was kind of “blah.”

This is not unique to online dating. Many people advise: “Skip the bar scene, you never meet anyone for a serious relationship at a bar.” Do you know anyone who got married to someone they met in a bar? I do…

Some people say, “don’t date coworkers, it can lead to trouble.” Without really thinking much about it I can rattle off at least five couples who got married to someone they worked with.

The common thread here is that everyone’s recommendations, good or bad, come from their own personal experience. This makes sense, because what else do we have to go on? The problem occurs when we globalize our limited experience to include the whole world.

You had a bad eHarmony experience? That sucks, but doesn’t mean others will. You had a good eHarmony experience? Great, but that doesn’t mean others will.

If you think about it, this has relevance far beyond the world of online dating. This type of globalization is one of the main causes of prejudice. One person (or a few people) with a certain skin color, background, or religion does something bad, and then people globalize that behavior to all people of that skin color, background, or religion.

I was once dating a non-Indian girl who had another non-Indian friend tell her, “oh that’s great, Indian guys are really nice. Once you date an Indian guy, you won’t want to date a non-Indian.” Wow. Just…wow. I mean, I’m flattered, and this advice certainly made me look good, but it’s pretty much rubbish. Look, I’m Indian and I’m a nice guy. I know a lot of Indians and a lot of them are nice. But I have also come across my share of Indian jerks and morons (like this guy). Probably more than my share. There are nice Indians, and there are mean Indians. Just. Like. Every. Other. Group.

Of course the point of this blog is not to end the discrimination in the world, but rather to give you a few simple ideas to make your life easier and more successful. So here are two simple lessons you can takeaway:

Lesson #1: Don’t Globalize Your Own Personal Experience

Your views will certainly be shaped by your history. And yes, there is is great value to others in hearing about your experience. Just don’t make the illogical jump from “your experience,” to “all people’s experiences .”

Here are three magic words that will help you, “in my experience” (“in my experience, eHarmony sucks”). Or “to me” (“to me, Match.com is just horny guys looking to score”). Or, “I’ve found” (“I’ve found the Craigslist singles to be nothing but perverts and prostitutes”).

This also applies when you are deciding things for yourself based on your own personal experience. Don’t make arbitrary and incorrect connections! When I was a kid, my mom made me scrambled eggs and she added salt before cooking. Something must not have mixed right, because when I took a bite I tasted nothing but salt. It was gross! From that point, for years, I did not add any salt to my eggs. I made an incorrect globalization. Don’t do that…

Lesson #2: Beware of Other People Globalizing Their Personal Experience

Even if you get better at not globalizing, other people certainly still will. Be very wary; we are easily influenced by others people’s opinions, especially when it is the first opinion we hear.

If someone is giving you advice, pay attention to whether they are making a sweeping judgement based on a limited personal experience. If someone says something like, “don’t date younger women, they only care about money. Don’t date older men, they only care about sex. Don’t go to Jersey in the summer, it’s just like MTV’s Jersey Shore,” take a step back, take a breath, and realize that they may not be entirely right.

This doesn’t mean you don’t take their experience into consideration. It just means that you give their experience it’s proper weight. No more, no less.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to go send some Match, eHarmony, and OkCupid emails…(and as far as you single women go, well, you know where to find me…)