How Come That Guy’s Successful and I’m Not?!

Have you ever seen someone who you know you are clearly superior to achieve more success than you? Do you ever ask yourself “how come that guy’s successful and I’m not?!”

This can occur in many contexts. It could be about a professional service you provide, a product you make, a store you own, or even just wondering how the rude jerk ended up with the beautiful, funny, and smart wife (not this has ever happened to me…)

Many personal development experts would tell you that this a bad approach. You should focus on your own development, and not be jealous of how others are doing. This is sound advice, but the “how come that guy’s successful and I’m not” can be a useful tool when used correctly. There are two ways of asking that question, and the difference between the two ways comes down to a single punctuation mark: “!”

That’s right, just one exclamation point makes all the difference. Here are the two ways to ask the question:

“How Come That Guy’s Successful and I’m Not?!”

The exclamation here reveals that this question is being asked incredulously. You are jealous, pissed, and unable to fathom how someone so clearly deficient can have achieved so much while you struggle.

(NOTE: If you haven’t figured it out, this is the bad way to ask.)

When you lament to the universe, a)you are whining and will end up annoying everyone you talk to and b) you are putting the focus in completely the wrong place.

People who say this tend to either curse fate or make up stories to explain the situation (He must be related to someone! He must have paid someone off! He must be sleeping with someone!)

None of these attitudes will make a difference. The only thing that will is to focus on the things you can control and take the actions to reach the level of success that you will be comfortable enough with to not worry about how well anyone else is doing.

“How Come That Guy’s Successful and I’m Not?”

Removing the exclamation point makes a huge difference. Rather than cursing the fates, you are simply getting curious. Let’s face it, if someone is achieving a level of success that you are not, they are probably doing something different than you. Rather then get upset or make up stories, why not learn from them?

Through objective curiosity and study, you may learn some very useful things. Instead of letting this person be your enemy, you can make them a “virtual mentor” of sorts as you learn from their example.

Here are a few things you may learn as you calmly ask, “how come this guy’s successful and I’m not?”

Relationships Matter

Do you ever get pissed because you were beat out for a job, contract, or sale because it your prospect ended up buying from an old friend’s kid? It happens. Get over it.

Relationships matter. Instead of whining about how stupid people are for not hiring you and complaining about nepotism, go out and build some new relationships, and take time every day to strengthen the relationships you already have.

Money Matters

We all love the underdog. It’s the American dream! Young bootstrapping upstart carves out a niche for themselves and topples a giant corporation. It can happen, and it does happen, but even in those situations, money matters. You will lose out to someone with better and more adverting. You may fall behind the guy that can afford to hire the best and brightest and invest in research and development. Once in a while, a woman will go for the ugly guy with cash over the ruggedly handsome struggling artist.

Don’t complain about how unfair the world is and how, “if I had his money, I would be doing soooo much better than him.” It accomplishes nothing. Instead, you can:

1. Go out and make more money
2. Compete in a different arena where the resources you have will be enough
3. Get creative

Sex Matters

Yeah, if your competitor’s sleeping with the decision maker, you lose. It happens. Get over it, move on, and realize that this is not a business model you want to get involved in anyhow (unless you happen to be running a bordello…)

Results Matter

At the end of the day, results are what matter. Too often our smug incredulity is less about our own disbelief and more about our stubbornness to resist changing our approach. By taking the focus off of our actions and blaming the universe or making up some wild stories, we can avoid taking a long hard look at ourselves and what we are doing.

Seeing someone else succeed who is “so much less than deserving” than we are is hard. What’s much harder, but ultimately much more meaningful, is admitting that if we are not getting the results that someone else is, the results we want, that the problem may be inside of us.

The nice thing about that hard revelation is that if the problem is inside of us, then that is also where the solution lies…

The Unseen Matters

Here’s the thing about jealousy: it is usually based on only a “thin slice” observation. If I see another speaker who I think I am better than but who has achieved a greater level of success than me, chances are that there is a ton of unseen stuff that speaker is doing that I don’t know about. His marketing, his preparation, his client contact, his sales skills, etc.

We like to think the world is a meritocracy. (From www.merriam-webster.com “a system in which the talented are chosen and moved ahead on the basis of their achievement.”)

This is usually not the case. There are many factors that go into success, and the quality of the end product is just one (often small) piece.

Find out the whole story, then judge. Better yet, find out the whole story and don’t judge; learn.

Subjectivity Matters

Here’s a kick in the groin for ya’: You may not really be better than the person you are so sure you are better than!

“Better” is subjective. Maybe in you own head, using your own criteria, you are better. But to the clients and paying customers, maybe your competitor is actually better. Get off your high horse, be as objective as possible, and start paying attention to what your market really wants. And if what the market wants is, “not you,” then find a different market or change your offering.

The next time you find the green eyed monster of jealously rearing it’s ugly head, take a step back, take a deep breath, and take a moment to drop the exclamation point and get curious about the other person’s success. You may find it ends up being the best way to accelerate your success so that people can get jealous and learn from you!