Single Person’s Rant

Let’s start the week off with a little humor

I recently posted an article titled, No Singles The article was about the customer service I received at a convenience store, but I see how the title could lead people to believe it was about the discrimination and annoyances singles people face.

So, I thought it would be fun to write that article. Here are seven things that suck about being single that have nothing to do with love, sex, or the lack thereof:

1) Sleeping Arrangements

There seems to be a universal truth: if you are crashing at someone’s place – family friend, whoever – the couples always get the bedrooms, the single people always get the couch or floor. Doesn’t matter who’s older, who’s not feeling well, or where everyone falls in the “familial hierarchy.” Single people are always the last to get their own room. (Note: there is a generational exception to this. A single parent or grandparent would rate their own room. by “familial hierarchy I mean oldest sibling, cousin, etc)

Ironically, this truth is so universal that even I follow it! Sometimes when I have a couple staying with me, I will offer up my bedroom and I will sleep on my air mattress. I now see the error of my ways, and I would like to thank myself for showing me the light.

And don’t gimme that “it’s more efficient for two people to sleep in one bed than just one.” Poppycock! Either way, it’s one bed being used. The real issue is that people will validate your existence more if you are coupled up. Hence, you receive a room.

But I’m not bitter.

2) Roller Coasters

I don’t go on roller coasters all that much, but here’s something I’ve learned: They are almost all designed for an even number of people. Two seats across. Four seats across. Whatever. They are not setup to accommodate the fifth wheel. So while your married friends are getting smushed together by the romantic hand of centrifugal force, you’re clenching every muscle in your body to avoid getting jammed into “Gus,” the only other single loser on the ride.

But I’m not bitter.

3) Weddings

Don’t get me started. I could do a whole routine on why weddings suck for single people. Let me just say this: the single person’s table sucks. It’s like the Island of Misfit Toys for non-hitched folks.

I know setting up wedding seating can be a pain in the ass, but here’s a request. If your single friends have other friends at the wedding, coupled or not, please sit them together. This is so much more important for singles than for people in couples! If I come to a wedding with someone, you can sit me anywhere because in the worst case I’ll have at least one person to talk to. When you throw all the “loose change into the Coinstar machine” (i.e. put all the single people at a single person’s table) you’re really screwing them over.

I know, you’re hoping romantic sparks will fly between two of the people. Here’s a tip: sit me with my friends. If there’s someone you think I’ll hit it off with, introduce me at the reception or just pass along a phone number or email after the wedding.

But I’m not bitter.

4) Gift Giving

This whole, “we’re giving you one gift as a couple” thing sucks. Take a look at why. I am a one income household with one person. Someone else is a two income household with four people (a working couple with two kids). Come the holidays, I give your family four gifts. Your family gives me one.

Let’s do the math. My four gifts from one income to your one gift from two incomes. I have now given your family eight times the holiday cheer you have given mine! I realize that this is not the point of gift giving, but come on. The holidays can be depressing enough as a single person, do we need to once again be reminded that society validates a single person’s existence 1/8th as much as that of a family’s??

But I’m not bitter.

5) The Stupid Advice

I’m fine with dating advice. Advice on new places to meet women, better ways to strike up a conversation, or info on attire, great dating venues, or date ideas. These are all good.

What I hate is the cliched worn out advice that people mumble when they can’t really think of anything useful to say.

Let me go on the record and ask that you never, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever, ever
deliver the following bit of advice, or any of its variations, to any of your single friends, ever again:

“When it’s your time, it will happen.”

On behalf of all single people, let me just say to you, “Shut up!”

I know you are trying to be well meaning, but when you deliver that tripe, or the similar, “it’s when you least expect it that it happens,” what you are really saying is “dude, I have no freaking idea how you should meet someone or why it hasn’t worked yet or frankly, how anyone in the universe gets together. But I somehow managed to find someone, and if it can happen to me, I’m sure it’ll happen to you! Buck up camper! ‘Cause the sun’ll come out tomorrow!”

Again, I repeat, “shut up!”

Point #1: When someone is down about being single, there are words of encouragement you can give them and good advice you can pass along. This line is neither of them.

Point #2: Your logic is flawed. Do you know someone who grew old and never got married? Do you know anyone who wanted a family but never had kids? Yes, we all do. So when you throw out a platitude like, “when it’s your time, it will happen,” the logical response is “why?” or “how do you know?” You can’t answer that, because there is no answer. I know this sounds very negative, but remember, you’ll most likely feel compelled to say these words when someone is in a negative frame of mind. Don’t do it. Don’t.

But I’m not bitter…

6) The “Last Call” Setups

I’m all for being setup. I love being setup. In fact, if you know someone who you think I’d get along with, let’s set it up!

What I hate though, is being setup purely for the fact that me and the other person are both single. Sometimes someone will set me up with a girl who I have nothing in common with at all. Our only common ground is our mutual availability. It’s like being at a bar at last call when people start looking around for whoever’s left over.

Let me let you in on a little secret: Single people may be single for many reasons. I can assure you that one of those reason is not, “we are unaware of the existence of other single people in the universe.” We know they’re out there. We bump into each other a lot. So by all means, when you meet a new single person, you should immediately think of your other single friends as potential dates. But take it at least one step further and ask, “would they get along,” and “why do I think they would get along?”

But I’m not bitter.

7) The “Mentoring”

This is my new current least favorite. Similar to the “stupid advice” point, but in this case someone, who is usually a generation or two older than you, doesn’t give you advice so much as just remind you of your singleness.

If you’re single, you’ve heard it before:

“You know, you should really get married.” Or, “you should really think about settling down and starting a family.” Or the variation I recently heard which almost made me blow a gasket, “you should really get serious about your life.”

Why thank you! Thank you so much for pointing this out to me! I didn’t realize that I was getting older! I hadn’t thought about getting married or having kids! But now that you, a person who doesn’t know me well and knows very little about my life has pointed out to me that I should probably get married, I see that I should definitely do that! I am going to go out and get married tomorrow! Thank you so much!

But I’m not bitter.

In truth, I’m really not bitter. Things are what they are, and being bitter, complaining, or wishing they were different accomplishes nothing. And I have a pretty good life. But I felt compelled to put this little manifesto out there so that the next time you encounter a single person, you may feel better armed to treat them, like, I don’t know, say, a fully validated human being…

P.S. While looking up a few things for this article, I discovered that there are many resources on the internet explaining why it’s great to be single. If you’re interested, check them out.

About

By Avish Parashar. As the world's only Motivational Improviser, Avish uses techniques from the world of improv comedy to engage, entertain, and educate audiences on ideas around change, creativity, and motivation. Connect with Avish on Google+

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